“I… I… think I had way too much to
drink.” I slurred to the missus sitting
next to me at the bar, “Can you drive
me home now, love?”
“I sure can, you’re fucking
embarrassing me, and don’t call me
‘love’…ever!”, replied my buddy
Dave. …read more    

At Sunday church the local Vicar
explains that he must move on to a
larger congregation that will pay him
more.
There is a hush within the
congregation. No one wants him to
leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car
dealerships, stands up and proclaims:
If the Vicar stays, I will provide him
with a new Holden every year and his
wife with a Honda mini-van to
transport their children!’
The congregation sighs in
appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur
and publican, stands and says,
If the Vicar will stay on here, I’ll
personally double his salary and
establish a foundation to guarantee
private secondary school education of
his children!’
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and
announces with a smile,
If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.’
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
‘Mrs. Jones, you’re a wonderful and
holy lady, whatever possessed you to
say that?’
Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is
now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand
and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies:
‘Well, I just asked my husband how
we could help, and he said, ‘ “Fuck
him'” …read more    

A woman goes into Discount Fishing
& Shooting Supplies to buy a rod and
reel for her grandson’s birthday.
She doesn’t know which one to get, so
she just picks one and goes over to
the counter.
The salesman is standing there,
wearing dark shades.
She says, “Excuse me. Can you tell
me anything about this rod and
reel?”
He says, “Madam, I’m completely
blind; but if you’ll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you
need to know about it from the
sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it
on the counter anyway.
He says, “That’s a six-foot
Shakespeare graphite rod with a
Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line.
It’s a good all around combination,
and it’s actually on sale this week for
£44.”
She says, “That’s amazing that you
can tell all that, just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I’ll take
it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit
card drops on the floor.
“Oh, that sounds like a Visa card,” he
says.
As the lady bends down to pick up
the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she’s really embarrassed, but
then realises there is no way the
blind salesman would tell exactly who
had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says,
“That’ll be £58.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this
and asks,
“Didn’t you tell me it was on sale for
£44. How did you get £58.50?”
“The Duck Caller is £11, and the Fish
Bait is £3.50.” …read more